iAm So Confused
by imagineSeddie
Summary: Sam catches herself thinking about Freddie and admits something she never thought she would. My first ever Seddie fic! please review and stuff!
1. Chapter 1

_**I own nothing from iCarly. This story is completely fan made, and not meant to offend anybody.**_

_**Sam's POV**_

12 AM on a Saturday morning.

"Sam… Sam… SAM!" Freddie hollered in attempt to wake her up.

"What do you want Benson. And where am I?" I responded

"On my couch… I found you lying on the floor in the main lobby when I was getting the mail. You looked like you got knocked out." He muttered to himself, "Must have been something big to knock HER out…" but I overheard him.

"Y-yeah, like that could ever happen! I probably just, well, um… tripped over something. Yeah that's it. And Carly's door is never locked. Why didn't you drop me off there?" My voice was shaking.

Why was I stuttering and stumbling over my words? That sort of chiz doesn't happen to momma. Especially around Fredward Benson. I shed the warm blanket covering my body and sat up, looking right into his eyes.

"Well her door was locked. Believe me, I tried. And I didn't want to just leave you in the hall way so I um…" His eyes met mine, gleaming.

I tried to look away but I could not make myself do it. I really hadn't thought about it before, but he has amazing eyes. My confused expression uncontrollably became a smirk.

Finally able to speak again, he said "I brought you into my apartment and put you down on the couch and covered you with a blanket." He caught my obvious smirk and asked, "What…?"

"Why would you, of all people, want me in their apartment? Why here instead of the hall way outside of it? And by the way, nice Galaxy Wars blanket."

Now he was smirking, too. I had seen that smirk many times before, but it never occurred to me how, well, cute it is. I really wanted to know what he was thinking, but I wasn't about to ask. He was still talking, but I was so lost in his eyes I couldn't think of anything to say.

"What are you thinking Sam?" I thought to myself. I eventually snapped myself out of this little trance and acted like my usual self. I heard Freddie's mom stirring somewhere in the apartment and ran out of there as quickly as I could… Freddie still talking. He didn't even notice I was gone.

The door slammed behind me. I leaned against the wall outside, my breath heavy. I wasn't sure what to do or what to think anymore. I hate Freddie, and I'm pretty sure he hates me. He's in love with Carly, that fool, she's never going to love him back. I could feel my body tense up and my heart racing. Why is it worse now that I'm out of there? Just try to shake everything that just happened out of your head, Puckett, you'll be fine!

I didn't realize that I was thinking out loud and not just to myself. There she was, standing right in front of me. No, not Mrs. Benson, but Carly. Apparently she heard the door slamming and thought something was up. I didn't hear her at all, but she must have heard my mumbling that I thought was just in my head.

"Sam… You okay? Why are you crying and talking to yourself and about Freddie" she questioned.

I didn't realize I was crying, and what was there to cry about, really? But I looked at my hands and they were wet and had streaks of tears. It was weird.

"N-nothing. I'm okay. Urrr… let's go work on iCarly." I wasn't okay but I needed to get my mind on a new track.

"But it's like 1pm on a Saturday… why aren't you at home, sleeping or something? And aren't those the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?" she said, quizzically.

"Yeah and why does it matter? But can I borrow some stuff from you? This stuff is itchy now… Oh and why was your door locked last night? It never is."

"Sure you can borrow some" at that moment she turned around, confused and asked, "why do you know my door was locked last night?"

"I, uh, well, it's like…" I really didn't feel like sharing what Freddie told me, and how or where I woke up. I needed to change the subject. "You got any root beer, I could def go for one right about now."

"Yeah, you know where it is. I'll be right back." she said in a suspicious tone.

"You have GOT to get better hold of yourself. You are usually so good at lying, why is now any different? It isn't like you robbed a bank or anything." But what I thought felt worse than I could think robbing a bank would be like. I mean Benson? It was really sweet of him for him to do what he did for me, and when I woke up I didn't feel like punching his face in. It felt, whataya call it? Peaceful.


	2. Chapter 2

Peaceful? How could I feel peaceful? And Fredhead's face usually cancels out any enjoyment I might have in my day. Unless he felt some pain my day doesn't feel complete. But today, something felt different.

I sat on Carly's couch drinking some root beer, waiting for her to come bring some new clothes down. How long could it take her, really?

And just like that, she appeared with some clean clothes for me to wear. Such a good friend. Then she went right back upstairs (without even saying a word or looking at my face) while I changed, probably to take a shower or something.

It's almost like Freddie has some sort of "Carly radar" and can tell when she is awake. I wasn't quite done changing when he walked in. And now the door was unlocked, of course. Spencer is pretty right; neither of us ever seems to be at our own houses; always his and Carly's.

"Hey-oh!" Freddie announced his usual greeting. "Oh, um sorry." he looked away; kind of "I didn't realize you were changing your - why are changing in Carly's living room? Speaking of Carly, where is she?" he had the goofiest look on his face, goofier than I had ever seen before.

"I dunno, probably taking a shower or something. She went back upstairs after bringing me something to wear. Didn't even say anything or look at me."

"Okay, good." his goofy look changed to a happy half-smile-half-smirk.

"Good? Why is that good?"

"Because, Sam. Just because. It's just like, there is something I want to say, but I don't know if I want Carly to hear it."

Confused and curious, I responded "Because why? Can't you just man-up and say it? Geez… sometimes you can be such a nub." Again, I felt that smirk crawl onto my face again. But it was kind of, well, a feeling I liked. Unexplainable, but it just felt right.

"Well I really don't want Carly to hear what I'm going to say. Can we just go over to my place? I promise you my mom will not be watching us like a hawk. She's gone somewhere, I dunno where, but I don't really care. Please? Just humor me."

"Why couldn't we go somewhere public? With other people. So I don't have to look at your face." I'm not sure how, but these words ended up coming out of my mouth flirtatiously.

"Ha, ha. Funny Sam. It's just that I don't want to say this in front of a lot of people. Also if you attack me and beat me up in private, no one else needs to know. But if it were at the Groovy Smoothie or something everyone there would see me get beat up by a girl."

"I see. You're just embarrassed by the fact that I could take you any day. You don't think I can be a civilized person, just having a conversation in public with a "friend", hanging out and getting a smoothie. I see how it is." I tried to sound hurt, and that kind of seemed to work.

"That isn't at ALL what I meant by that. But seriously, Sam. This isn't something I even would want to talk about in public. It's something I don't even know if I will be able to say it privately without throwing up."

A confused, nervous smirk found its home on both of our faces. It was almost as if both of knew what he was thinking. Boys are so easy to read.

"If it's going to make you feel that uncomfortable we can head over to your place I guess." I grabbed the nearest bucket to, jokingly thrusting it at him. "Here take this bucket. I'm pretty sure you will throw up."

"Uh, thanks." Freddie's face turned a pale green as we headed across the hall way.

Because I ran out of his apartment not long after waking up, I didn't realize how sterile it was. I didn't really shock me; I know how Mrs. Benson works. Sadly. But for some reason, I felt comfortable in here. It wasn't really exciting, but I kind of liked it.

"Now we're here. Whadaya want Fredbag? This place gives me the creeps, it's to… clean and bland. So get on with it." I said, hiding my actual opinion.

Freddie let out a sigh and said "Have you noticed that we get along a lot better when Carly isn't around. It's like we want to act like we hate each other around her, but when we are like this, it's nice. I just think we should just decide if we want to get along or not. I'm tired of this bipolar chiz."

"Oh. Um, yeah… I guess I agree." I didn't mean it to be, but it sounded sad, depressed almost. I couldn't hang on to my character. It was like I caved or something. I am so confused.


	3. Chapter 3

Freddie must have seen the unhappy look in my eyes. He had been wandering around his living room trying to come up with words to say, but when he saw my eyes, I saw his vulnerable side.

"Are you okay, Sam? You look like you are gonna cry. Was it something I said?" His thoughts were so exposed. I had never really seen such a sentimental side to him.

"I, I, I, I just don't even know what to think… I was thinking you were planning on say something else. And if it was just that, why couldn't that have been said anywhere? Or is there something more?" A tear dribbled down my cheek. I did cry. I was crying. I never cry. I would never cry over someone like Fredweird either. I felt like I was lying to myself.

"Oh. Well there was something else, but I REALLY doubt you want to hear that…"

"I just don't get why you think anything about us needs to change. Well I think something should change, but it would happen. But… never mind." I tried to regain my composure.

"Well you look like you have something else you want to add so let me hear it. I can take it."

"Oh can you?" I knew he probably couldn't handle it. He wouldn't believe me any way. I am in love with him. With Freddie.

"I just said I can. So bring it on." Freddie said trying to look all cool and tough.

I hated myself for thinking this, but his appearance was actually kind of sexy. The way his clothes graced his body, his soft, calming eyes. His gentle hands caressing my face. And I liked it.

"Well, fine. This is how it goes. I have always found you really cute, and I've always liked you. I apparently just don't display it well. I kinda love you. There, I said it. Happy?"

I was so glad to have that off my chest. My face completely relaxed, my eyes no longer burning. There were still some tears, but they just didn't bother me anymore. Even though I had sort of calmed myself down, I still felt a pounding in my chest, my limbs felt like jelly in an earthquake. But I felt happy; I finally said it out loud. I love Freddie.

I looked up at him, he no longer held my chin, but it didn't make a difference to me. It was the best I had felt since the first time we kissed that night on the fire escape. I was so happy I could have just kissed him right there and would have felt no regrets doing so. No regrets at all.

But neither of us said anything. He wouldn't look at me, like I was some sort of monster who just told him that I was his mother. The sound of silence is loud. I could hear both of our breaths, as irregular as they were. Something needed to break this silence. I felt it was up to me again.

"What? I said it, okay. And I wasn't lying. I have been for a while and still am in love with you. I wish I could lie and say I'm not, but it isn't something I can hide anymore."

I felt like I was glowing, but when he still wouldn't look at me, I couldn't even begin to describe how I felt. And once again, there was an awkward silence. But I wasn't going to be the one to break it this time. It had to be Freddie. He needed to act like the guy I know him to be. He might try to go around something, but eventually he gives in and says at least something.

Freddie finally looked back at me. It wasn't the sort of look I was hoping for. It was kind of like a combo of "you have got to be kidding me" or "what the hell are you on?" or "this is serious chiz, not something you should joke about" type of face. There was a goofy smile on his face, his eyes looking to the side, and then he finally spoke.

"Oh, yeah right. And I am the archenemy of Capt Bubblepants." He was his dorky, goofy usual self and I was pouring out my most important secrets. "You would only love me if I were made out of bacon, fried chicken, or any other type of meat. I might be gullible, but not as much as you think. I won't let you make a fool out of me over something stupid or not serious at all. But something like love? Yeah, I doubt you would ever say you love me. Ha."

He didn't believe me. My tears were real. And my feelings were true. But he didn't see it. He didn't believe me. I had been hurt before, but I really do care about Freddie, I only recently realized it. I really had thought that he had gotten over his crush on Carly. I really did. But I guess not. I guess he is just a tease.

Ha. Freddie Benson, a tease. Now that is good for a laugh.


	4. Chapter 4

I caught myself laughing. And laughing hard. What was I thinking? I just sat up, laughing. It was weird. But it wasn't going away. Visions of Freddie's face flooded my mind, but I didn't mind it at all. But still, I just don't even know why I would even think that. That's not me at all. I would never even consider Freddie as someone I could love.

What I didn't realize was that my eyes were closed. My eyelids were incredibly difficult to lift, as if they were duct taped shut. Was it just something I randomly thought or was that a dream? Then suddenly I heard a voice, a guy's voice.

"Sam? Uh… Sam?" The voice belonged to Fredward Benson. Of course it would.

"What do you want Benson? Do you even know how dumb you are to wake me up? Do you even know how dumb you are in general?"

He gave me one of his "there she goes again" looks and said,

"Well I want you to know that I got you some breakfast and Carly brought over some clothes for you to wear. So here."

He tossed the Carly-scented clothing at my face and turned around to bring over the food. It was some bacon and some other unidentifiable food. But this seemed oddly familiar, this whole situation. It was like it happened before. It had to be the dream. It was so similar to what is going on. Not that I know what is actually going on.

After handing me the clothes and food, he went to go put on some clothes (he was in a bath robe). I called him back to ask how I ended up on his sofa.

I couldn't help but ask, "Dude. How did I get here? Why am I here? What time is it anyway?"

"It's 10am and last night after doing iCarly, you and Carly had a crazy cat-fight. When Carly finally kicked you out you just slammed the door and walked away. But then you tripped on the stairs and hit your head on something. I half-dragged-half-carried you up the stairs hoping you wouldn't wake up. And I let you sleep on my couch. And that's it."

Yeah this doesn't sound _too_ similar to my dream at all.

"If Carly and I were fighting, why would she give you some clothes for me to wear? And half-drag? What, are you too much of a dork to carry me up a few little stairs?"

"Sometimes I don't even know why I try to be nice to you. I just didn't feel like letting to stay unconscious in the stairwell, so I brought you up here. And when I told Carly about it she felt really bad and gave me some stuff for you to wear…"

He continued on blabbing. I kind of stopped listening after a while. It's not quite the same as my dream, but really similar. It's freaking me out a little bit. Seriously, like what is up with my head? I must have hit it pretty hard to dream that. And then to have it pretty much come true? That's just messed up. I hope it doesn't end the same way the dream ended.

"I don't mind doing this for you. In fact, I kinda like doing it. It's fun! It's like we are dating or something."

Of course I start listening again just as he said that. But after he said that, he got this really nervous look on his face; his eyes showed it the most.

"What was that Benson?"

"Oh, it's um… nothing. I just thought you being here was kind of nice. But now you are going to break some part of my body now, am I right?"

Normally I would say that he is right. I would do that on any other day. But today, it just seemed different. He just seemed so serious, like he really meant that and he cares about me. I like that in a guy, but I'll never let him know. I refuse to let him know that I, well, I do… like him. A lot.

My mind floated to the past, remembering all the silly little moments we shared.

Back to that day when Freddie said "If you're in love me just admit it…" I knew I couldn't let myself be found out, but it took everything I had not to say anything. I mean I probably could have said that I do, they wouldn't have believed me anyway. Maybe I could have added something witty like "yeah, just as much as I love thinking about Ms. Briggs and Mr. Howard making out the teachers room." But no, all I came up with the say was "nyeh." And that's where that whole thing ended. Now I regret not saying anything.

And now, each night, I sit in my bed, just thinking about Fredward Benson. I can barely sleep because when I try to, my mind once again floods with images of his face, his smile, his incredible eyes, everything about him. It makes me excited just thinking about him.

But today just seemed way to similar to my dream. It was a little bit freaky in a sense. No matter how hard I tried to forget about that dream, it just kept coming back. Like T-Bo with his food on a stick.

"Sam? You okay?"

"What? Uh yeah I guess so… why?" Did I have a strange expression on my face?

"You looked a little spaced out, like you were lost in something. Normally you don't have to think about ways to hurt me, you just do it." I must have had a weird look on my face, and he must have noticed it.

"You really thought I was going to hurt you, didn't you? I'm feeling nice today, but I might get you back in the future. But there's no need to be nervous now."

"Muchas gracias chica." I wonder why he randomly breaks off into random Spanish, but hey, whatever, it's another thing I find adorable about Fredweird.


End file.
